My Sunday afternoons here at Trinity Hall are numbered. On Friday my son walked out of a Great Dallas Youth Orchestra audition to rejoin next year’s orchestra, saying he wasn’t interested in it any more. He’s spent a year in it, and although a talented string bass player, never really had his heart in it. So my excuse for being down in Dallas near my favorite Irish pub ends in May.
Its a hard blow to take for a number of reasons. My wife and I are both musicians (I’m lapsed, but she’s a pro classical musician, gigging with several local orchestras) and music has always been an integral part of our household. Connor played piano from an early age, and when he reached 6th grade, we used our musical connections to have him try out a wide range of instruments so he’d be happy with his choice. (How many of us ended up playing instruments due to a random choice on our or our parent’s part? Or due to a director’s need to fill instrumentation?) Of all things, he chose double bass then later added electric bass. He was good at it, too, so he could succeed without the hated practicing. We always thought of him as a low brass player – he loves crude humor :) – and probably should have influenced him that way, as he doesn’t really relate to orchestra players. He thinks they’re too uptight and straight-laced.
As my wife and I are both martial artists (www.okinawankarateclub.com), he’s also participated in that from an early age. With a combination of that background and natural gifts, to my bemusement we have a serious jock in the household. (I was a passable gym student, but didn’t find my athletic passion until I discovered cycling and karate.) He’s going to be a captain of his high school wrestling team next year, and his MA background separates him from everyone else.
But for the last couple of years he’s been fighting us every step of the way – and he’s stupendously stubborn. We’ve finally given up on piano lessons with a wonderful piano teacher he relates to, he’s stopped his electric bass playing, and now has walked out of his GDYO opportunity for next year. He’s still in high school orchestra, but by his lights it’s so easy he coasts through it. (Of course, his director may have a different opinion.)
It’s the classic problem we’ve all heard about: Both parents and child have the child’s best interests in mind (hopefully), but both have very different opinions on how to do this. The parents (hopefully) have the long view, while the child knows and decides based on what’s in front of him. If the child is stubborn the problem’s compounded. What tears me up is watching the child narrow his options for the future based on the inconveniences of the moment. And the closing of an era with our child that’s lasted two-thirds of his life.
Ironically, just this morning I was looking over a conference presentation this morning where I’d included my own spin on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I think I’ve gone through most of those stages this weekend. It’s been very emotional for me – the Irish popping out rather than the stoic. And to put another twist on it, he just passed a promotional test for ikyu (first degree brown belt), which is the final test before his black belt test. He did a terrific job…but it’s far from certain that he wants his black belt. I’ve made it very clear to him this weekend that if he really does want it, it’s time to step up to the plate and act like it. Only time will tell.
Oh, I fully realize things could be a LOT worse. But nonetheless it’s stressful for me.
